Here is a little about me and what you will find inside this blog
Kellie
to inspire, encourage, and be real
'always try, be consistent, never give up'
Welcome! I’m Kellie. I started this blog because I like to start conversations and needed a platform to do so. I consider myself a recovering perfectionist and although I do consider myself recovering, there is always work to do.
There is tons of information out there telling us about perfectionism, so I thought I would write about actually dealing with the challenges of being one.
I have always been interested in personal development and growth mindset thinking. I am hoping to explore and learn more about myself and how perfectionism has influenced my life, positively and negatively, sharing my knowledge as I go.
I am a single mom of 2 boys, and have worked in the tourism industry for much of my life. I always enjoyed the beach, ocean, outdoors and wilderness and so the resort industry was my passion. After having kids, i realized it was much more challenging to be working in a resort and busy 12 -15 hours a day and so needed to change careers. I currently work in an elementary school as an education assistant and community support. I love it. The job has lots of flexibility as I raise my boys on my own.
I also find myself having an artistic side and love to do crazy and outlandish things when inspired. Some are a major flop, some are fantastic, so why not keep a record of it and share with all of you. I have recently taken on gardening and really trying to respect our environment. Live and learn I say.
I bought a house. Thought I would just flip it, however, life happened, so, I have decided to stay in it and have the house as a home base with good roots. It needed work though, still does, and from the beginning to now it has taken a new transformation. I am learning to enjoy the process of renovations although, even though I don’t always like doing them on my own anymore.
As I am able now to take the time to reflect, who I am and what my purpose is. I am continuously thinking and asking myself, What do I still need to work on? Tons!!!
I am learning to have acceptance, take criticism or feedback, which is not an easy thing, and stay positive. Go figure. Perfectionism is real, so, lets work on not being perfect, being OK with it, and then celebrating it.
Stay real, thanks for reading and share and follow if you can relate.
Let’s Take a Look
What do I mean when I say that I am a recovering perfectionist? I mean honestly, Is it even possible to be perfect?
If you Google perfectionism, you will get this definition: “the need to be or appear to be perfect or even believe that its possible to achieve perfection…”
Perfectionism is considered a trait of personality, not a flaw. There are many ways to overcome perfectionism and have it work for you rather than against you. It wasn’t until the last decade that I realized I was a perfectionist and maybe last 5 years that I can honestly say that I am a recovering one. It is constant and I have lots of work to still do. I am hoping that through my journey and self awareness I can help you too work on overcoming perfectionism.
What is it to be a perfectionist?
The persistent striving of success or excellence and basing your self worth on this belief, having negative consequences on your goals and life in general.
So, I’ve read…
There are 3 types of perfectionists.
1. Self-critical perfectionists
the fear of being rejected because of their own ideas of success and achievement
2. Others-oriented perfectionists
have high expectations of others and are themselves critical and judgmental of others
3. Personal-standards perfectionists
are fairly balanced and intuitive. Have a self awareness that includes motivation and adaptively.
Is it possible to have the positive side of perfectionism? Yes, I think so. It just takes practice. It is always good to have goals as they help one stay progressive and have growth. You just don’t want these goals to sit in a stagnant file as it can cause a whole new category of negative influences.
What I learned and how I got started
Some years ago, I learned new strategies called the New Dynamics of Life Skills. It was really a whole new approach to thinking. It was a group of people in a classroom and we spent 8 hours a day 5 days a week for 6 weeks together. We were given tasks and and after each task we all sat and had a discussion about it and what awareness came up for us. Here I thought I was the perky, outgoing person but all of a sudden, someone else didn’t feel the same way, and was not afraid to tell me how she felt about me and why.
WHOLLY CRAP!
The experience taught me really, just a new way of thinking about language, words, thoughts, and how communication really works. To learn how to take a deeper look into empathy, and sympathy. To know what I really value and what my morals are.
Surely, now know what comes up for me, such as a trigger, especially when faced with a task or confronted with feedback, that brings about self awareness.
What is the point of this?
I think when I read information about perfectionism, I realize how important understanding what causes perfectionism thinking, and how strategies that help challenge and overcome it are. The Course I took taught me how to be self aware because really, I had know idea. There is a lot of work that continues and sometimes one even falls off track. I hope to share my journey of overcoming perfectionism and share information on how I am moving crap out of my way.
Life Skills are problem solving behaviors appropriately and responsibly used in the management of personal affairs. The problem seems to be that when we grow into our adult brain, we forget the problem solving part.
Basically the skills we know and many of us use them already. Here’s the thing; we don’t always use them properly. If we really want to make change in ourselves, especially if what we are doing currently isn’t working, then having certain strategies in place will certainly help you through the most challenging of decisions. This new approach is when my true self awareness began.
Are you a perfectionist?
For entertainment purposes only, click here to take a Perfectionism test. personal
The Right Direction
For me, being a mother is no different single compared to when I was married other than that ~ I’m single. Now though, I had only one income and worried about other parent influence.
I think that if we can teach perseverance and resilience, make your kids feel loved, then you are already heading in the right direction.
In the past I would say that I had a parenting style that reflected perfectionism. I wouldn’t say that it was my intent to push excellence, however, where I thought I was role modeling being goal oriented and organized, I was inadvertently adding pressure to the kids, where they thought they could not live up to my expectations. Now, don’t get me wrong, I still think I am a good communicator and I also think I am a fairly decent parent. My kids have great values and morals.
We as parents, want what is best for our children.
Sometimes, we may, instill a belief that we think is a gentle push, yet unintendedly, push high standards onto our kids, instead of motivating them. I also know that pushing does work for some kids. They are smart and just lack self confidence. The added push is just what they need for that added drive.
Being a single parent is hard. We generally need to work more than one job and even if we are fortunate enough to have a higher paying job, we may inadvertently add more pressure onto ourselves, to “get it all done”, rolling this pressure onto our kids, and this takes away our energy and desire to be emotionally present.
One of the hardest parts
For me it is the self doubt the creeps in when I handle certain challenges in a way that is considered “not the norm” by others. The feelings of judgment we as single parents can have, based on the looks and feedback either directly or indirectly from people in our lives.
Being critical of our own self-worth can cause other related mental health challenges too, so we still need to be aware. It is imperative that we as parents continue to learn to be self aware, so we can teach our kids to have growth through their own experiences allowing them to also be self aware.
Will I be enough?
As a single mom I have different worries then a single dad, but as a single parent, I believe our worries are the same. I have had so many challenges however, so many rewards and they all balance out. My own anger is my own. My own self doubt is my own. I like to blog and share my trials and revelations and hope to offer some reassurance and resources to help you be the best single version of yourself. You can do it!
It wasn’t until I felt unhappy, did I realize that I had perfectionism traits. I mean, we usually know that things we do can never be perfect. Honestly, we do not have to make everything exactly right. Let’s think about this logically. When doing a random project or fulfilling a goal, is it something that needs doing because it was put off or is it something for someone or is it for yourself?
Whose expectations are you trying to meet?
Whether it is work related or personal, we generally know our job. When we take too long to complete something we are working on, either other important factors get forgotten or our coworkers, friends and acquaintances can get impatient.
We waste a lot of time.
Do you think people care that you put in extra time adjusting measurements or rewriting an article to make it seem perfect?
The Importance of Doing your Best
What is important to you might not be important to someone else. “In the eyes of the beholder”
I remember a time in college during a discussion about growth, kids, and development in schools. How anxiety has increased and keeps increasing in schools and in young people in general. How parents can be hard on their kids because they brought a C+ home. If it was their best, then seriously, what is wrong with a C+?
A ‘C+’ , is not failure!
I know successful people who have just faired in school. There is a continuum base for a reason and there is nothing wrong with “good achievement”.
It does not have to be PERFECT achievement.
Now don’t get me wrong. Excellent achievement is great too. I am simply saying that if you are striving for excellence or perfection, at the expense of happiness and it causes stress and, in the end, low achievement, then what is the point of putting in more time to be perfect? Which I might add is not achievable. Especially if it is simply in your own eyes. You are to do your best.
When I do a random project, I am routinely on a time schedule. If I spend to much time trying to make something how I think others want to my project to look, then I miss the point and possibly forget other important pieces of my life that are fulfilling.
Ask yourself,
Is spending the extra time worth it in the end? Will someone notice that extra effort or time you put in?
If yes, then of course go for it.
If no, then give yourself a break. You cannot be great at everything. Try and be consistent. Ask yourself what the trade offs are and are they worth the effort and will they interfere with your final project.
Keep yourself accountable.
If something is to overwhelming then that’s the time to take on one very small challenge and don’t stop until its done.
I like to chunk off time for myself so that I do not get carried away. Such as, I give myself Sunday mornings to have a leisurely coffee and visit with my mom or just spend time with myself. This way I don’t feel I forgot myself and I don’t spend too much time on one single project.
Most Important though…
Remember to stay on track by telling yourself that you are enough, and you are working towards your goals.
Perfectionism and Mental Health Resources
My Thoughts
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