Constructive Criticism or Power-Play. How to trust your own intuition

Well, it has been awhile since I have written last. I have been trying to learn new things and with working regular jobs, time seems to still be a factor. I wanted to talk about criticism. I am sure we have all been criticized before. How do you handle it? Some people really have the ability to let criticism roll off their backs, while others, like myself have a hard time letting it go without being butt hurt.

Now I like to think that over the last 10 years at least, I have done a lot of growing. I mean there is so much to learn about people and life. right?!

What Happened for ME

I recently had a incident that really put my thinking to the test. I work in an elementary school and of course with that, comes many personalities. I am working with so many professionals (and unprofessional people) and sometimes personalities clash.

I was in a class and the kids were doing art. At one point one of the girls says to me, “hey Miss Kellie, do you like my rainbow?” It was literally just some purple lines shaped like a rainbow but I went on to say, “where’s the yellow red and green?”

OMG! Kellie! what a heartless thing to blurt out. I corrected myself and the girl was fine and happy. I went on to the girls sitting next to her and they were also asking my opinion about their painting. I thought, ok I will not blurt out what was missing, I will compliment. So I did.
I said things like, I really like the shades you chose and I love how the blue over the yellow turned it a beautiful shade of green.

A few minutes later, the teacher pulled me aside and said, when I compliment them it really becomes about you instead of them so in the case of this class, I am going to ask you to refrain from complementing them.

UHN?

I didn’t understand. Do not say nice things about the kids art if they ask you? I like to start by telling the kids positive things of what they are doing before you say what they could do better. I think she could see the stunned look on my face. The teacher told me about an article that she knew about where kids were they split groups of kids into groups and the children who were given compliments, did not excel, as much as, the kids that were aloud to explore their creativity. She continued, saying that when we compliment a child’s work even though our intent is not malicious, we make it about us instead of the child. When you say you like the colors and how they blend and point out what you liked, you make it about you and your ideas and therefor taking away the child’s ideas of what they originally created.

My intent was not to make it about me but to completely make the situation about what the kids were painting.

I was like ok, and carried on.

The Feelings/Emotions the Awareness

BUT, whoa the feelings I started to get. I was all of a sudden angry. I vented with a friend and told her about the interactions and both my friends were saying, you need to talk to her. I didn’t want to though. It was uncomfortable and just because I didn’t like what she said and I felt uncomfortable, and I didn’t need to be all cry baby about it. My friends however, thought it was more about me not standing my ground and letting this teacher walk all over me.

The thing is, what she said to me made sense to me and I really was trying to AVOID having an uncomfortable conversation about how I was feeling hurt about her critique. I mean i am a grown assed woman and I was feeling conflicted with myself because I agreed with her and so I realized that I was actually just feeling BUTT HURT because she criticized me not because of what she criticized me for.

I wanted to move past the emotional hurt I was feeling and only look at the truth or facts of what happened.

I have always thought of myself as someone who gets along with almost all people. I see how this sounds generalized, however, I am speaking about the foundations of learning and I accept that I need to learn more. I am however, not stupid and have some years experience and I do know what I am doing in my job. I find that I doubt myself quite a lot still and so this holds my confidence back. when I have no confidence, it prevents me from standing up for what I know how to do and why I do it.

I have a style of working and really it matches my personality. I also recognize and give myself credit that I can connect well with children so my techniques work when teaching. This doesn’t mean I wouldn’t benefit from someone else and I am also not saying that I don’t want to learn new things.

I had to really sit with the criticism. I had a physical experience and a mental experience.

My physical experience was interesting. I had a racing heart and felt flushed. My muscles tensed up and I then had this sense of bite back, like, f**k You B*#ch.
ANGER
By the end of the day I was crying. Whenever I feel anger though, I find myself practicing thinking about what I am actually angry about, first.

To Vent
As the anger built I found myself needing to vent. I find that talking out loud about my feelings and or to someone I trust about the emotional part of why I was feeling the way I did, helps me sort out the thinking part. I chose my mom, and as I vented she listened. I cried and she understood, and as I cried I thought this is ridiculous.

why am I crying? OK what is this really about?

The Realization Aha moment

I am crying because I do not like to be criticized. I think I am a failure. I think I screwed up and it makes me bad somehow. It reminded me of my past with my dad.

A-ha! There it is. I was remembering how I’d work so hard on something, thinking I had done a great job. My dad had a ‘ but ‘ behind most compliments. I knew he was very proud of me and I also knew he loved me. This was the way I was brought up as it was the only way my dad knew. coming to this realization though, allowed me to process my feelings differently. I decided then that I would not have the conversation with the teacher, however, moving forward, I would stand up for myself when she said something, and I would stand up for myself in the moment and not always wait to say something.

Trusting Your Intuition What I did

I honestly have to trust my intuition. I have said this before. If you don’t trust your gut then what do you trust?

I find that my trusting myself, those spidey senses, are 90% true and they need to be accepted more. Trusting yourself, ultimately will help you identify your emotional stand and help give you direction and be open to new ideas, while hearing your voice of caution.
We become more accepting of others instead of trying to please others all the time. The “should have”, “would have” and “could have”.

You also will become happier in your life. I found immediately after I had awareness that I became relaxed and then felt decisive.
I was consistent in my stance and found myself practicing action and to let negative comments or criticism in this case, roll off my back. I value myself and I had to remember that feedback is to be taken with the head and given with the heart.

In the meantime, stay positive, stay authentic and never give up!
Follow and Share me on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter or comment below on thoughts or experiences you may have had. Look forward to hearing from you.

Check out my other posts on forward thinking on my blog page.