So randomly I have been thinking about the difference between being a hermit and ‘hermitizing’. Is this being an introvert or am I just shy? I ask myself, shy? Maybe a little. I often wonder if all those years of being in the public eye have finally taken its toll.
I recently was called by contact tracers, and they let me know that I had been in close contact with someone who tested positive with Covid19 and that I need to isolate for 2 weeks. At first, I was really panicked because I thought I had taken all the necessary actions and was shocked to hear that I now had to isolate. I was like who was I around, did I wear a mask the right times, who was I around when I wasn’t wearing a mask, etc. After the initial shock and I found out where my contact was, I relaxed. I figured ok I am to isolate and keep my family safe, this will give me time to think about some things and maybe even get some things done. I say things because my list was so long, I could not list them all.
Did I do this? Nope
I have felt flat, felt numb, felt blank. I had nothing to offer mentally and because of this, I seemed to be more introverted. This brings me to the comparison of depressed or introverted. Staying out of depression is not always easy. I know that when I don’t feel right it affects my life in many ways. 
I was trying to get into my regular job as there are many things, I needed to do there but suddenly, I was drawing a blank. I was on a few team meetings with the teachers and then my bosses. I literally sat there looking stunned and had absolutely nothing to say. It was like my voice disappeared. I did not want to volunteer for anything, and I really did not even want to reach out to any of the kids. This was so not like me at all. I am the type of person who would usually volunteer and be all enthusiastic about reaching out and giving my all. I don’t really want to be around anyone and I like people mostly. For some reason this was not happening. All week literally I did not want to think about work even though I was supposed to.
This made me think about the why. I mean there was an expectation, that since I was in isolation and getting paid as being off were not by ‘choice’ sick days, so, I was to reach out and show intuitive towards the kids. I could not. I mean I was paralyzed and stuck. Had nothing to say and nothing to offer. Does this make me a snob, or lazy or shy or procrastinator or selfish or what? Negative feelings are unique and personal to everyone’s experience.
What does this mean then? A serious brain fart? 
For me this is what I learned. My whole upbringing has been me in two extremes. One in the eyes of the public, tourism sector, and then completely cut off from the public in a very remote part of the coast. Even though there is nothing wrong with where I lived as it did help formulate the person I am today, it was lonely. I did not have much interaction with kids my own age. As I matured, I became this outgoing bubbly conversationalist, however those internal thoughts, kept brewing, and I started to realize more and more that I was wanting to spend more time alone. I felt calmer when I was alone. The problem was I was internalizing and feeling regretful and in the wrong, that I wanted to be alone. In the past I had was generally extroverted and agreeable.
The scare of Covid19 was real and isolation can put things into perspective. Mental Health wise, I am guessing this is what I needed to do. Lately I have been saying that I have become much more introverted. As I mentioned I have always been open, outgoing and talkative, however I find myself thinking more and more about different things such as home, my mom, retirement and how to get there. I find myself distracted and daydreaming of plans I want to make. My focus is taking a shift.
Introverted or extroverted? Which one are you? 
Now am I an Extrovert? Sometimes, yes I am. Now I still think that I am talkative and I do like a deep discussion. If I see someone upset I will go talk to them and for that reason I say I am not shy. Of course there are various degrees of shyness. I am not the skinny dipper type and although I love to dance, dancing center stage by myself is something I probably wouldn’t do. however freeing that may be for many.
I believe I fall somewhere in the middle as I grew up being both outgoing and inbound.
A great blog I found insightful: VeryWellMind. I learned a lot about what the general difference of extrovert and introvert was and what they mean in terms of personality.
Shy, Anxiety or Depressed –Which one am I?
I get down on myself, and have moments of despair and self pity. I try to accept them when those feelings come and I do not need to share everything with everyone. I am going to continue to practice growth, and acknowledge my own journey is not the same as others. As I get older I find I want to settle my mind, find that peace. I see and read about so many others seeking the same. I think banding together and sharing all of our experiences and insight will help a beautiful amount of people.
Anxiety and Depression
I have written about Anxiety before and made a list of my symptoms. Common symptoms often overlap with depression and both can affect the other. Worrying too much can also cause physical disturbance which is generally the category I fall into. There different types of anxiety disorders, such as generalized anxiety, OCD, phobias and PTSD.
Now with depression, the symptoms can almost blend with anxiety and or the anxiety symptoms can even cause depression. It is really the degree in which we feel, how long we feel it and what we are going to do about it that determines the type or category we fall under. Depression also has varying degrees. Persistant, Bipolar, Seasonal (SAD), Psychotic and postpartum.
It is not uncommon for many of us to have felt one or more of these at one time. Its the prolonged months and the disability to move forward that gets concerning. To learn more about the types of anxiety and Depression check out this website. It is USA based, however I feel the knowledge quite universal. HHS.gov
My Introverted self wants to stay home and just hunker down not disturbed with no other responsibilities and work on my goals. I want to do everything myself and not ask for help. My extroverted self realizes that a huge part of my personality trait is openness and being approachable so I need the social gatherings to fuel energy. I also need help sometimes and learning to ask for it when I need it is still something I am working on.
I think in the end, being either introverted or extroverted have great traits and embracing the, either/or, is what its all about.
During my time of isolation not only now but in previous times as well I used this service and found it quite helpful. Maybe you will too. BounceBack
Enjoy being yourself, stay real, stay positive and never give up.
