Enable or help. Which one is it? Or does it matter? I mean to enable is to empower and to provide the means of opportunity, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary.
What do you mean, you ask? I cannot even tell you the amount of times I believe I am helping someone when in fact I am preventing that someone from trying on their own. I mean seriously look up the definition of enable and you will see that everything we think we are doing correctly has a negative side effect if we are not careful how we do it.
If you have read anything about me you will know that I am a single mom of 2 boys. I find myself quite naive, when it comes to parenting and also find it helpful to research different opinions in order to clearly be sure of my own. I do the most research when I am noticing that my strategy isn’t working.
When the boys were young the influence I had on them was more directed to chores, routine, manners, etc… and as they got older, I found the influence to shift a bit. I mean don’t get me wrong. All the things you do as a parent when your kids are young are what you still do, what I mean is, more the focus shifts, as the needs shift to more adult responsibilities.
We usually have many opportunities to help people in our lives. They could be family, strangers, co-workers. We give people rides because their car breaks, we bring people food if they have been ill, we help our parents bring in groceries. most of the time its just an act of kindness really.
But…
If we do for someone (especially our kids) something they can actually do for themselves, then really, we are enabling as they could in fact do this job on their own. Random acts of kindness and consideration are always welcomed, however, and is it really enabling when we are doing out of love and the intention is to help?
The short answer… YUP!
I have done this and here is an example
Ok so how do we get out of the rut of enabling? I know for me much of my habits are control based. I mean when my sons bring down their laundry to the laundry area, they just leave it, as I am sure they will get to to it again later or at some point. But because I am so worried that the boys will break my washing machine, I find myself starting the wash for them. Ok honestly, I know this is enabling, simply because they could have started their own laundry. I could ‘help’ them, by taking the laundry out of the washing machine and putting it into the dryer. Even then, unless they have to do the whole chore on their own, they will not know what is really involved in doing their laundry and therefore not appreciate the effort it takes to do theirs.
Here are some signs you could be enabling
I will be completely honest with you. There is information out there that substantiates an enabler and all the things I am about to list below. I have done a few of these for sure.
We make excuses for their behavior
We tolerate their behavior
We avoid the problem
We take responsibility for their actions at times
We neglect out own needs at the expense of theirs
We build up resentment
We can be in denial that there is a problem
We pay for their stuff
SO what to do Then? 
Much of the information I have seen and read tell me that I need to set boundaries, explain the problem or what is really bothering me about it, let them face the consequences of their actions and let them make those tough choices. As a single parent and a recovering perfectionist, I found it hard to be decisive and stick to my plan.
I hate confrontation and also hate the fact that I have to deal with the negative emotions. Especially without support or validation. I find myself worrying that I made the wrong choice, or that either I am not tough enough or I am too tough. You know how so many others have an opinion of what you are supposed to do, but none of them are actually there to face it once you implement.
Cut yourself some slack. I know I am. I do need to tell myself this often so I do not judge myself. Someone always needs to go first. I will set boundaries that work for me, and try and be as patient as I possible can as I remind my adult child of his new responsibilities and start by stopping to do his laundry.
We are not responsible for their behavior and we have no control over it.
I will find support even if it is only to call my girlfriend to vent. If this doesn’t work, then I will keep reading until I find a strategy that works. For now it is me I need to work on, not my son.
Resources for parents, or the adult child
Yes, resources. They are out there. However, here’s the thing. I am not going to sugar coat it. To find free resources for adult children are limited as they are young adults and so they have access to the same things we do as parents, all at a cost. The hardest part is to realize that addictions are not always the cause of procrastination, and not always the cause of your young adult child is struggling. Society and inflation, the internet and lack of living wage jobs do not make it easy.
There are resources online, a couple of my favorite websites are:
Empoweringparents.com
Emptynestblessed.com
Last thought for Now
To worry is really a waste of time. I find myself in the stage with my boys where I am worrying especially when I start thinking about what others think.
Encourage your young adult child and remind them that they are doing ok and that we are here if they need us. Be proud of what they have accomplished up till now and gently push and teach as they grow into the maturing adults we know they will become.
I remember my doctor telling me years ago when I worried that my kids weren’t eating properly. She said, kids on average, will not starve themselves and at some point will eat; peanut butter is a food group and NO is a sentence.
If you like what you have read and can relate and even take something from this, please leave a comment below. I would love to hear how others are handling their adult children and what are you doing to help them along.
In the meantime, stay real, stay positive and never give up!
