OK shit, I think I have a case of Imposter Syndrome. If you have not already heard about it, it is when you think you do not deserve something and you are worried that others will realize you are not as you say you are.
I don’t want to downplay my ideas and dreams. I want to be progressive.
I think I did lead a sheltered life. Not that it is a bad thing, however, it did leave me quite naive and gullible. I think I am immature. I use it to my advantage at work, it just takes me longer to learn adult type information. lol
I have been feeling in this state of Impostor syndrome the last few weeks. I have listened to podcasts and read about it. On Google, imposter syndrome; Imposter syndrome (also known as imposter phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the imposter experience) is a psychological pattern in which one doubts one’s accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.
Its actually self doubt and I find it creeps in when I’m faced with making decisions that I don’t really understand or if people start praising me and I do not think I deserve it, for whatever reason.
This is also something I feel at various states of my life. Its like when I have a fear of being found out. A belief that I might not be good enough and that everyone would think that I am not doing what I said I would do. I think that have an idea that I don’t have any degrees to back my name that what I have to say has no value. I use this as evidence which in reality is not true.
We tend to put ourselves down and do not let the compliments in. We don’t let ourselves be vulnerable or put ourselves out there because our brains tend to go to the fight or flight and if we put ourselves out there, we think someone might think we are a fraud. I think we dismiss all the positive information around us and we tend to compare ourselves as well as looking at other people and saying,
“Oh look it’s so easy for her/him because they have everything together.”
“Wow look at what they have already done. They are super confident because they have all this success.”
Instead of listening to the positive around me I am only listening to the self-doubt and the stupid Imposter Syndrome creeping in.
I’ve said this before in previous posts, when I have to learn something new I don’t easily remember it and with that I then I start getting nervous about my message. I will start wasting time, finding excuses to do other projects and flare around not having any direction.
I find myself repeating certain topics as I learn something new about them. Like, I will have an aha moment about myself and I keep thinking, if I continue to talk about growth mindset, organizing thoughts, etc. I will start to have a natural way of acceptance and growth. It will become a habit and the thought will naturally pop in the place I need it instead of me having to make a conscious effort to think it.
Here is an example
I posted this picture on my story and it had this post.
I typed: ‘Omg, Its crooked. OCD or perfectionism? I say, I don’t care I don’t care, but I know it will drive me crazy. Hmmm, I will need to sit with that.’
Many people and my friends would say “Way to go Kellie, looks great!” and I focus on.
I realize that I need help sometimes and when I pay for help, I think, man why are you not teaching yourself? Instead of thinking I am a failure because I need help, I mean, it’s my blog, my goals, do it for myself.
Because, I say, it is easier.
I don’t want to a cop out and quit, so I’m trying to figure out what’s holding me back. I want to succeed and so now trying to not over think things. I need to allow myself the help, absorb the compliments and show up every day for myself. Acknowledge the effort.
When I say, show up everyday, I mean it is important to try everyday one thing that makes your life better and happy and something new in order to have growth. Whether you are listening about growth mindset or reading about it, learn something new.
While also learning to be vulnerable and have accountability.
So, try to really, really, practice how to plan and schedule time for yourself. Allow yourself to enjoy all the hard work you have already put in, mentally and physically. It takes practice. Think about the whole airplane safety protocols. Masks drop down and the mother or father puts their mask on first, then helps the child. This is not selfish.
- ~ I say make time for yourself, I also am trying to schedule time for myself.
- ~ I say make a plan, I am also trying to make a plan.
- ~ I say allow yourself to have time, by making a plan, scheduling time actually will create more time.
- ~ I say we need to practice a different way of thinking if we do not feel happy or grateful.
For now, I am appreciating that it is summer, and I have time to really think. I am grateful that I have created the working environment and living environment that allows me way more freedoms then I would have otherwise. I am grateful for my courage and hope that a community will build of like-minded people who want change for themselves.
In the meantime, stay real, stay positive and always try.
Kellie
