Anyone with kids knows it can be difficult. Moms of boys know the difference in parenting compared to moms who parent girls. Although teenagers are teenagers, boys and girls are different.
duh 
As a single mom of two teen boys, I am still learning the ropes and still practicing climbing. I always find it interesting how 2 personalities can be so different. You think you parent the same and provide the same equal opportunities, yet their choices are their own and usually quite different than your own.
Go figure
When I become a mom, I was very naive, even though |I was in my early thirties. I mean I was not very street wise and although was smart I lead a sheltered life for many years so when I became a teen, I, had a hard time actually, relating to kids my own age.
I have been told by others in my life, friends, my parents, even other acquaintances, that strong willed boys will cause me trouble. I need to be able to implement tough love.
But what is that actually? 
I tried the black and white thinking for one child; however, it did not work for the other. Of course, we all have stories that relate to the hidden character of ourselves, and when it comes to our kids, I am sure we can come up with many stories that defy logic, or don’t even make sense.
Myself, I did not like the way I felt with tough love, all or nothing thinking. I wanted to trust my intuition and I knew I had to tough. However, I really wanted another way to parent. I wanted my boys to learn through responsibility because if they were irresponsible, the consequences could be extreme, cruel and life changing even.
When faced with breaking curfew and procrastination of chores while all the while arguing, and debating can
Break down a parent!
I tend to get elevated and triggered when dealing with the boys’ negative behaviour. I associate it with my parenting and take things personally when it is not. When I do this, a discussion quickly becomes an argument leaving both parties frustrated and angry. I found that parenting either son or daughter are different as boys process differently than girls. I am a girl and remember the difference of my reactions towards my mom verses my dad.
With my mom I felt safe, trusted, validated and accepted. With my dad, I felt love and pride and yes safe and trusted, yet I fear him.
He was NEVER EVER abusive physically; he had a hard time with words.
Over the years I learned a lot about myself and what I needed to do.
So…
I read,
I went to parent groups,
I went to counselling
And I practiced.
Still…. practicing
There is so much on this topic and I know I will be talking about it again.
Testosterone is real and this can numb their fear instinct and become dangerous when facing dangerous situations. I know boys need structure and I do try to do this, have rules, chores and without micromanaging I am micromanaging. Its not about How I do not trust my boys, but rather that I do not trust myself to know they are safe without knowing where they are and what they are doing.
The brain is interesting. Teenagers generally all go through a period of growth and change, and boys especially tend to have their pre fontal cortex develop slower. This does not allow them to see the same possible outcomes that you see and know. They do not have the ability to regulate their stress impulses yet so of course this is a scary combo.
I wanted to be a compassionate parent. One who believes in her kids and can offer examples and role model responsibility. Still working on that. I wanted to teach my boys, that they can do anything they set their mind to. I wanted them to learn to be part of a family, a community, learn about the world, racism is not kind, different cultures do exist, people with disabilities have feelings and to be grateful for what they have.
I want them to learn that not everything that is mine is theirs and not everyone owes them something.
Money has value.
There needs to be balance and when the balance is out of wack like a bumpy wheel so is life. I was talking to my son the other evening.
Actually… when I really think about it, I was lecturing. However I thought I was being all adult like, because I was calm, and my intent was to not lecture.
WRONG
Implementing consequences does not require a discussion first. Lol
He looked blankly at me, squinting his eyes and somewhat daring. I asked if he was hearing what I was saying and he looked directly at me and said, “actually, no, I tuned you out because I got tired of hearing your nagging and lecturing.
Oops I was lecturing
I forgot. Boys are different and I they do not process auditory well. I knew this but in the heat of the moment I reacted before thinking. I mean they hear me, the boys I mean, they just do not interpret the meaning the same way as girls. Or as efficiently.
I had learned some key points to talking to my boys and I am so glad I refreshed my memory.
These are,
- Make eye contact and try and sit beside him. Touch him in some way, his hand, his leg, his arm, while you speak. I cannot believe I forgot this step as I used it before an it works. My son, and later I found out most boys, need the sensory with the auditory because it stimulates a part of their brain.
- Be short in your sentences do not ramble and let him respond before moving on in the conversation. I tend to talk at him, and it was not working.
- Get son to paraphrase if its important information. When I needed to give him more implicit instructions. I found that I would have him to repeat what I was saying so I knew he really heard me.
DUH again
I do not want the boys to tune me out because I want to be able to listen as well as teach them this skill. I want them to be compassionate parents and compassionate partners.
Teaching responsibility is hard.
Privilege is earned, freedom and responsibility go together. I am sure my boys feel powerless at times, and especially around a single mom. I find that they are trying so hard to be men and exert their alpha self. Hence the testosterone.
I want them to know their own power with it comes their responsibility. But how do I make sure they do not lose this with irresponsibility. As I learn myself how to regulate my emotions and manage my words, I am confident my boys will continue to also learn this.
I was a blamer parent. I did not want to feel the feelings of frustration or lead on that I had absolutely know idea what to do at times, so would blame other reasons to deflect. I am sure I created anger in my boys, however, will also continue to own my mistakes and recognize I still need work.
This in tune makes a great combination.
If you are a parent of teenagers, what do you do when being tested?
If you are a parent in general what style works best for you?
Leave a comment below and let’s start a conversation. In the meantime, stay real, stay positive.
cheers
