Please tell me parents, that you have had challenges with your children’s behaviors and then realize that you’ve reacted totally irrationally?
Here’s a situation.
You have a teenager who is learning to drive. Your teen at first is hesitant to drive, however once started, gets the bug, and wants to drive all the time. They become good and comfortable behind the wheel, and I as a parent just thought oh good, he’s getting it and he’ll be just fine. However now time has passed and lessons hard to come by test coming up….
Panic because it’s the real driving that we now need to pay attention too. What kind of parent is it to let these pertinent rules go by and not have taught our teen properly?
So, we begin to teach our teen by the book. 2 point turns and 3 point turns and now, parallel parking.
OMG,
How hard is it to teach this? I do not have the language. I just do instinctually. It is incredibly difficult when our teen is telling us we are wrong. And then their anxiety goes up because what they thought they knew they didn’t, and they need more practice.
It’s our fault because we didn’t book them a lesson in time, and they have learned all bad habits from you.
For some people, perhaps many of you, this is a normal situation, and everyone has gone through it, what’s the big deal, right?
How Does That Make Us as Parents Feel?
I think for me, this situation had me in my mind, doubting my parenting, and how I let him down for not getting him the lesson and not taking the rules more seriously. I thought poorly of myself and although I was not yelling or screaming or getting frustrated, I want you all to know that I have awareness of these thoughts now and when they creep in causing negative feelings, that is when I pick them apart.
Luckily, I Handled my reaction calmly
The real challenge was, what I was thinking was triggered by my son’s behavior. I saw that he was hard on himself, as his words to himself were harsh and I saw that perfectionism trait in him as he wanted to know everything and was mad at himself for not knowing. It reminded me of myself and the negative thinking that followed. I realize that having perfectionism doesn’t have to be negative all the time. Sometimes it can be a positive push to step outside the box and ask a little more of yourself.
It does take its toll on one’s psyche though. We tend to put on expectations on ourselves to be perfect and know everything right away. Otherwise,
if we don’t, we are failures.
It can be hard to hear criticism and especially if its distorted. Where one person hears criticism and thinks it means they are a failure, and another person hears the same thing and hears constructive reinforcement. For me, it was when my son was upset because so much time had passed, and he didn’t feel ready for his driving test. I felt bad because he cannot learn without an adult, hence myself, and therefore took on the blame for his lack of practice.
What to do?
Remain calm
My reaction was completely different compared to how I would have reacted before.
I swallowed, had my hands clasped in my lap and took a big breath. After a few minutes, I said, in a matter-of-fact voice, I understand you are feeling frustrated about your skills, and we have not practiced enough. I apologize for not booking the lesson months ago however there are options in another town you just do not want to take them. Let’s go home and try again later. You are obviously upset, and I am not helping you now.
He calmed down and kept driving. Within a few minutes we went home and later that afternoon, we went out again. This gave my teen a chance to process and realize that it is ok to practice. The disappointment of not knowing everything there is to know about driving was not as large as it was initially. This allowed him to hear the corrections without hearing it as failures more just that, corrections.
Does this work every time?
NO
The hardest thing is to not hear what others say as personal criticism. I find that when I remain calm this is the first step to handling the situation and how the situation will turn out, positive or negative.
Paraphrase
This means try and repeat the criticism back to the person in your own words. You do not want to go into making assumptions as that is another scenario right there.
You can start by saying “I hear you saying…” or “what you’re saying is…” or “So you’re saying….”. When we paraphrase, it asks for clarity and shows that you are listening and want to know how you can help the situation be better. The person being critical may have expected you to react defensively and by being factual, you are taking the focus away from how you feel and making it about the criticism made.
Take a time out
Stepping away from the criticism helps both parties take a breath and process the feelings and stick to the facts. Not all criticism is fair and sometimes it is really about the critic and their own insecurities about the situation. I know that sometimes I linger on criticism and think about things too long. This is when I use my own strategies to reevaluate why I think I was wrong and pick out what I could do different next time.
Not everyone has the same opinion. When someone is indicating that something you are doing is not to their satisfaction, they are perhaps not feeling appreciated, and it can be easier to pass off their own insecurities as blame and complaining. I have done this and still do in certain situations which is why practice is so important.
Apologize for your part
There is that saying, “there are always 2 parts to a story”. So, knowing when it is indeed a mistake you have made, then remaining strong and admitting when we are wrong helps us and others learn and have a growth mindset. Learning anything new is hard. It is a sign of growth.
There is nothing wrong with, standing up for yourself, and if the person criticizing you is harsh then letting the critic know that you are not going to respond until the other person is calm and rational is a reasonable response.
I know there are many situations out there where the other person will not hear you and can be unreasonable. In these scenarios, seek support from an outside source. Sometimes having another neutral opinion can shed light from a different standpoint.
Perfectionism can get in the way, for many situations. I find that where parenting is concerned, this is where I tend to make excuses for my mistakes because of fear of judgement.
Hear lies the truth about the situation being more about yourself then the person criticizing and having self-awareness is key to quickly resolving a heightened situation.
If we are authentic, and honest about what we are thinking and feeling, the situation de-escalates quickly.
In the meantime, stay positive, be authentic and never give up. Thanks for reading.
