To feel is to be vulnerable. How I am learning to be vulnerable.
So overall, I blame the moon…
Wow right, Mothers Day and a strong topic. I, actually, don’t think, the word vulnerable needs to be stretched to much. It is the heart of all emotions.
I spoke about trust in a post back in March where having vulnerability is important in order to trust.
A risk sometimes.
Being vulnerable is hard. 
For me it feels exposed and even though I want to share hardships as well as revelations, how much vulnerability do we show,
while still being authentic, and
this remaining enough?
This week brought up many emotions for me for some reason and so I wanted to take a moment and just talk about what came up and how I am finding ways to get through each one.
Talk about feeling vulnerable or being vulnerable enough to feel.
First this Blog stuff. Emotional overwhelm!
Wholly crap. Honestly, I love it so much that I really, really, want to jump in and learn as much as possible about it. I have been reading, and reading, and reading. I try to implement something and then, it does not work.
Every time I want to change something either on site or in my social media, I am learning, and it takes me so freaking long to learn it. I start to feel overwhelmed.
- I want to share links,
- and I want my highlighted links to work,
- and I want to change the size of my font,
- and the mobile look is different than the desktop look. Ahhhhhh
I started to feel panicked as time being sucked away and I am not getting anywhere.
Yes, I was learning but the actual implementing was not happening. Even when I tried implementing and taking the risk, it would take me forever to upload a photo, or figure out how to share a link on Facebook and have it go to my web page or direct traffic here. I am not sure if using Facebook is the right focus and so then I start feeling indecisive as to what platform to use and stay interesting enough for people to want to hang out with me during this journey.
I was feeling somewhat defeated. 
I added the generalized word of somewhat, in order to not say I was defeated because I am showing up. I am taking a deep breaths and going through whatever emotion I need to at that moment and I have decided that I will still be ok. I will tackle one thing to feel relaxed and then relook at my day. NOT easy, when your mind is telling you that you will Never Ever learn how to build my own blog and you are slow and old.
Which brings me to the next set of emotions coming up for me.
Age, emotion, weakness
I am turning 50 this year. Not afraid of that at all. I mentally am a child in an adult body so really that number stuff is totally fine. However,
It is the body changes and self image stuff. I still struggle with the changes to my body that are coming with age. I mean I can handle some, however the weight gain and bloat are not things I like facing.
So ok I do not want to be in denial either.
I still do not have the best relationship with food.
I am not out there at the fast food restaurants and I do not eat a ton of high carb or processed foods. I do eat healthy. I am not a vegetarian, yet. Although I do see this in my future.
There is still something blocking my metabolism. I have accepted that I am aging and there are changes, however, I know there is something more I can do to boost my metabolism as I see women do it all the time.
How to have the ‘I can do’ attitude and not the ‘I can’t do’ attitude.
So far I have increased my workout intensity and frequency,
I have given up gluten for the time being, and trying to move my diet around to find out what I am reacting to.
I am saying nice things to myself throughout the day,
I use the supports around me when possible
Stress, Emotional perfectionism 
My workload has shifted again, and I am struggling to make decisions around my goals. So, stress is underlying. I logically know that I must make the decision to change my thoughts and shift my thinking to a more reasonable focus with intent of growth.
I want to follow my dreams, however still upholding my responsibilities as a single mom and daughter. You can too!
I honestly do one thing a day, and even though it sometimes takes me hours to do it I have learned to forgive myself and remain calm. So forgive yourself, you are human with real feelings.
I am learning to access resources and come up with a plan. I will accept when a plan falls short because I can revisit and change.
Its my plan.
So make a plan, Remember you can always ask for help!
I think that I honestly know that its OK to have hard times and it is OK to be scared and nervous to try something new. Responsibility drives me to do things I don’t really like, however, happiness and peace help me stay focused on continuing to do what I really love.
Always do things that make you happy at least once a day!
Stay real, stay positive, cheers.
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