Is it being gullible or is it not trustworthy? 3 reasons for trust issues…in my opinion

Hi Guys, So what is trust? Actually!     

I recently had a conversation with my mom about this very thing. It mostly came up because my eldest keeps breaking curfew and it was not because he is trying to be disrespectful or be bad or defiant, rather loosy goosy and not thinking it really mattered. He was safe and not doing anything bad so… However, I tell him that when he says he is going to be home at a certain time, or I have asked that he be home at a certain time I am trusting that he will do either what I ask or do what he says he is going to do. He is almost 18, and honestly it hasn’t been terrible, like where I am up all night worrying etc. I just want him to be trustworthy. His word is everything. It almost defines part of your character. I’ve always said to my young people. You’ve started with an A in my book. You begin with all privileges. It’s up to you to keep the A or keep the privileges.

I have heard, well this sucks because I can’t remember where i read this or heard this, but it made sense to me and so think about this.

   Trust really has nothing to do with the truth.    

I mean it is possible to trust people who are lying and not trust people who are telling the truth. We are always taking in information and assessing the situation whenever we are interacting with another person. I have said in the past, I really dislike lying and lies have a tendency to sneak up on you and cause hurt and feelings of betrayal and pain. However, honestly, how would I know if someone is lying or not being truthful when I first meet them or its new information?

So what are trust issues then?

3 main reasons for trust issues (there’s more I’m sure, but these stand out to me)

1. Believe the painful experience will happen again

2. Blaming others, you aren’t trustworthy so…

3. Needing proof of trustworthiness

I think trust issues are where an experience has happened, where a person trusted someone and the situation ended in a great amount of hurt. In that painful moment, a decision was made, that the trust is what created the hurt and so then no to trust ever again because they don’t want to feel hurt again. Our brain is designed to work where it seeks out pleasure and avoids pain.

Trust – creates pain       

Associated together – means to not trust

Thus making us think it is what will happen again in the future

When we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable it actually deprives us of true connection. Humans need connection.

There are 2 kinds of ways to look at trust

1. Believe you can trust others unless they prove not to be trusted

2. Need others to earn their trust first or that you are not trustworthy until you prove you are.

If you go in needing proof from others all the time, your brain deprives you of actually being open to those who are trustworthy. It’s like, if you see only what you expect to see and if you are expecting people to not be trusting, your brain will start to only notice that and you will begin to ignore those moments when others around you are actually trustworthy.

You might need to read this twice…

I am the type of person who trusts whole until proven not to think you’re trustworthy. I have in the past thought that trust was earned. I was told that I was gullible and too trusting. I learned that by not being vulnerable and accepting, I was actually closing doors on potential relationships and when I changed the way I thought about trust and trusting myself, my whole connection with others also changed.

Here is an example. Say you got fired in a job or had a car accident that changed your life or even let’s say you had a partner in the past who cheated on you and you’re in a new relationship or even if you’re trying to the save the one you are in, you might think,oh that happened to me in the past so it is going to happen to me again in the future. By thinking this way, if keep thinking and believing it, then those thoughts start happening in your future and it becomes challenging to make change.

We have to create new experiences for ourselves and in order to do this we have to sometimes believe in things that we don’t have proof of. Now our brains believe we need proof and so it wont allow you to see trust when it’s there.

It’s not that the evidence isn’t present, It’s more like we are shutting down and not seeing it because we believe the past is going to recreate itself. You can’t keep saying when people are trustworthy then I will trust them, but rather let yourself believe they are trustworthy.

Because our brains are designed for survival, we don’t want to feel pain, therefore we avoid any vulnerability because of the past.

It’s OK

One thing to remember is that you don’t blame yourself or others for trust issues. You can’t change people so don’t think blaming others is going to help you. It sure didn’t help me. Just made me feel better at the moment. Bawhahhhahahah. Just kidding!

I really still honestly struggle here because I think I am a recovering perfectionist and I have to, say this is the present tense, still learn to trust myself. It really is a set of beliefs that other things are possible. I know other people have their own thoughts and experiences and they are entitled to their own opinions.

Its a set of beliefs that I have today. A Mindset.

Small steps, big difference, change of focus.

What I think now, like all my little thoughts and the big ones, are what are creating my experiences. Every time I yell, and/or nag at the kids, i create negative experiences, when it was me thinking, why didn’t they take the garbage out, why is the living room such a pig sty, the dirty dishes, etc.?

Instead of thinking, OMG, what a mess, I could be thinking, wholly my boy just past his calculus test with 92%. Instead of thinking man, I suck as a parent because I let my son buy a car that needed tons of work, instead I could be thinking, I did great offering him options and even though the car needs some repair he loves it and did it himself. i am proud of him. We cannot change the past and so thinking in the present moment and learning from the past is how we can continue to move in a positive and trustworthy way. So this all sounds great and makes sense. Most of us even realize it. It is the practice and conscious effort for change that makes change. A Mindset.

I listen to CBC radio a lot and hear many stories of people and psychologists talk about the way of thinking and when there is a different way and it resonates with me, I just want to share it. Half the time I can’t remember details, but now that I am sharing it more openly I will make a point of writing down so I remember the links to where I heard some of this info. It does help me and I find it quite interesting how thoughts really affect emotions and reactions to situations.

I have to remind myself that I am trustworthy and I trust myself in my decisions. Also need to continue to remind myself that looking at the negative aspects of something and dismissing the positive really is just saying that I don’t believe in myself and that I am not looking out for myself. The changes that have happened over the last 8 years for me, have been phenomenal and I hope to keep sharing what I am learning and how I am trying to practice growth mindset. I will try and find a simple way to understand until it just becomes an organic and natural way of thinking.

Whoa, that was long and deep. A lot more the I originally thought I would write. And I have more I could say about it. Maybe I will have a discussion with others in a podcast about it.

In the meantime, I will see what experiences happen this week and I will post some short videos and pics on Instagram. Be sure to subscribe and like my Facebook page or follow me on Instagram so you don’t miss my next post. Until then, stay real. Cheers.